dani o' dean's story
Who is/was Dani O'Dean
On the 24th of July 2014, on a pleasant summer day (still before heat waves became so ever present) we were helping out a friend who just bought an old house with cleaning out the basement,. Besides the regular old furniture and trash, we found some sort of time capsule carrying the name of a former astronaut. Someone who seemed to have traveled space a number of times while keeping notes of missions and thoughts during these long periods of certain loneliness. We don’t know if the astronaut was male or female, but from the handwriting, thoughts and certain specific phrases, we are fairly confident we were looking at the belongings of a woman. From here on we will thus talk about the astronaut as a her. The last entry she wrote states that she is leaving our planet fore good. But what she meant by that is unclear. Strangely also, the amount of dust on the capsule was remarkably less than on the surrounding furniture. Maybe it wasn’t the purpose of the time capsule being found this quickly. And even though the last entry dates only from august 2007, it was impossible for us to find out more about the astronaut. Her records and anything about the missions she wrote down seem to be untraceable. Since we did not find any other evidence of her existence, we can not know for sure that the name she used to sign her entries is in fact her real name. Anyhow, she called herself Dani O’Dean. Though the last name might assume Irish nationality, this would not match the French texts we found of her. The images of Amaterasu, Goddess of the sun and the universe, might also indicate Japanese roots, we do not know… The documents we found are so varied it is hard to pin down her roots, both geographically, philosophically and disciplinary. There are booklets with calculations, plans with what appears designs for a spacecraft and books full of writings, sometimes loose bits and pieces, sometimes extensive analyses of theories, sometimes personal contemplation, but always, it seems, filled with a sort of melancholy; a desire to something she might have lost, or never had. Though it was unclear who she was - or is - and where she came from, the moment we started going through her notes, it was clear she was looking for something, wandering, not knowing clearly where to go, but never losing hope that in the end she would end up somewhere. There are some extended written recollections on her first exploratory mission in space, but where this was exactly is unfortunately also not clear. She writes about a toxic atmosphere, which seemed to have left a deep impression on her: “The toxicity of this environment, the lifelessness and the deep fissures on the surface that look like unhealed scars, it makes me wonder about where we’re going”. She also started to think about time, very passionately. Concepts as the future and the past and how things get lost in it, change, travel and adjust. Just like that. Without interference.
She stays hopeful though: “So much is to learn from our surroundings, so much we can observe, wright down, process, imagine.”
“It is said that the more you are connected to your surroundings, the more freedom you have, because your relations, with things, animals, people, concepts… are what enable you to act. They give you knowledge, they give you direction, they give you physical possibilities you did not have before, they give you reason, they give, they give… But they also take little parts of you to extend their own functioning.”
One day, while philosophizing over the notes we found, we wondered whether it was possible to be connected to such a large extent you would disappear… living a life in bits and pieces. Would that be a nice thing to achieve? And would it be something you could do on purpose? To design your own disappearance? Was this Dani O’ Deans plan?
In any way it looks like Dani wasn't fit to live in this time on this world. They just didn't match. It seems she could've lived a long time ago, without the distractions of nowadays technology and without even the slightest knowledge of space travel. In her notes she often dreams about travelling back in time, to a quiet place, with no cars, no global warming, no airplanes, space rockets or satellites.
It was her awareness of the possibilities of traveling through space she found most liberating and suffocating at the same time. Not being able to reach a destiny, but at the same time without limits. Total freedom, but unending. She didn't know for sure that this was the kind of freedom she was looking for.
She also could've lived in the future though, one she imagined herself in becoming one with space travel, orbiting around the planet from a distance, not unlike a satellite, following the same path over and over again in an endless loop. Watching, always watching, but from such a distance it all becomes irrelevant, playful even. Looking at life like a box of Lego's, where you could pick out the pieces you want, the colours you like. The rest of it, you just put aside. Mentally at least, because it becomes impossible to affect life when you are floating above it. A thought she might have found reassuring:
“After all, we are made to believe that it is possible to organize our own life… All we have to do is pick up the Ikea catalogus of life and select the options that suit us: the job that matches our skills, the food that nourishes our body, the partner that complements us, the travels that complete us, the surgery that perfects us… society seems to be drenched in this neo-liberal idea that what we choose to be, we will be. But the advertisement for the toothpaste that will finally make your teeth as white as those you see in the movies slowly fades on the facade of the night shop where the Pakistani owner with an engineering degree sells alcohol to a depressed banker who just had another row with his wife.”
Life is not a Lego box, it’s a slimy blob. An amorphous sticky thing, getting entangled, losing bits and picking up others whether you want it or not. So these notes puzzled us a bit, it seems that Dani was (or is) well aware of this entanglement of life and respects it, but still she wanted to isolate herself, cut loose, fly off and float. In fact throughout all her notes we trace this ambivalence between wanting to stay close and stray off, connect and disconnect, cherish the small and hunt for the big, the battle between remaining silent and screaming loud… though this might all be dichotomies after all...
Why we were attracted to the notes and the life of Dani O' Dean, and why she now inspires us to make work in honor of her existence, might be in fact these recognizable struggles and her fascination and viewpoint on life, time, biology and space, all strangled together. A fascination so contagious, it now also grows within us. While she never had the intention to design or create a single piece of art, her thinking and level of imagination surely encourages us in a way nothing ever did before. In her, we found the ultimate and ongoing source of inspiration. The seemingly endless endeavors to capture the world in all its complexity and her modesty throughout this search inspire us to continue her quest and take up some of the questions she worked on.